Cerebral palsy (CP) is the term used to describe a physical impairment that affects movement. It is usually caused by brain damage in the developing fetus, during birth, or from illness just after birth. No two cases of CP are the same, and the term is used to describe a variety of conditions depending on which part of the brain was damaged. For example, some people with CP may have learning disabilities, speech problems, hearing impairment or epilepsy. For more information visit the SCOPE website, www.scope.org.uk.
K__. He is 24. He weighs 85 pounds. His case is severe. A pump runs through his body- it relaxes his muscles. Muscles that would otherwise be permanently flexing and twitching. He also has a metal rod running up his back to keep him from curling up. He is completely mentally functional. He comprehends everything. But he is unable to control his mouth, throat, and tongue- rendering him completely incapable of speech.
His face is perfect. Classic Greek male beauty. Strong looking. Perfect nose. Skin. Eyes. Lips. Jaw. Chin. He even has thick neck... Its the largest muscle on his body. My favorite is his smile. Its glorious.
He's 24. I'm 23. He humors me. I sing to him. Do accents. Dance. Goof off. I love to suck up to him, kiss his cheeks, and tell him stories. And he's right there with me. Soaks it up. Laughing loudly at my idiotic notions and stupid jokes and listening sweetly to my stories.
I shower/bathe him. I usually end up soaked. So I guess we bathe together. Usually for 30-45 minutes. Its one of the only times in the day when he can relax (well, except for one part of him that is doesn't always care to relax... Its understandable).
Last time was different. His (handsome n' single) older brother dropped by. K__ and I were in kitchen going about our usual greetings. I was about to take him to his bedroom. His brother was anxious and excited to talk with me. I didn't think much of it. I tried to keep it short and proceeded to take K__ to bathe.
He'd completely changed. He was ignoring me. I didn't know what was up. He'd never been like this. I quickly undressed him. I knew the shower would cheer him right up.
I turned the water on and put my hand beneath the detachable shower head. I ran the warm water over his body. His muscles flexed. He turned his head as far as his muscular neck would allow it to turn... then with all his strength and concentration, he tried to cover his nakedness. With the other arm he tried to push me away. He'd never acted humiliated like this. In my baffled state I checked everything... The water, his position, what the heck?
"Whats wrong Hun? Hey, relax gorgeous boy.... I'm here." I said in my soothingest voice. I kissed his cheek as sweetly as I could.
He tensed even more.
That's when it came. Whimper. He tried to hold it in, but it was welling up inside of him. I knew he wouldn't be able to hold it in.
"Ahhh, ah, ah, ahhhh...." His deep voice sobbed and shook his frail body. It was as if I could hear his heart bleeding.
My throat had an enormous lump in it. Tears began falling down my cheeks. I was trying not to break down. "Honey, please, please, please don't cry...." I'm desperate now and kissing his cheeks.
I try to attain eye contact. "I love you. And I don't care. I don't care what you think. I know you. You are absolutely perfect and absolutely beautiful to me. " I stared at him in the eye.
"Now I'm crying... please don't cry... you have no idea how beautiful you are to me... well maybe you do... I mean we do shower together... sgotta mean something." I giggle a little.
He moves his eyes onto me and sees me crying. The tips of his mouth go up and he gives me a forced half smile. He's trying.
He turns his head again. Tries to hold it in, but his cries break through. Its more than I can bear. I hurriedly run the soap over him and dry him off... hoping that maybe he just wasn't in the mood to shower.
I procede to massage his body with lotion. He usually loves this.
He turns his neck as he tries to hide his face from me. His nostrils are flaring. His face is changing color. I've never seen him close his jaw and mouth this way. His chin his so tight that its dimpled and quivering. Then I watch as silent tears make their way out of his beautiful green eyes and roll down his perfect skin and chiseled cheek bones. He doesn't make a sound.
I look at him. This perfect mind trapped in this crippled body. He is lying in the bed in front of me. His face solid rock. Eyes open. Tears pour down his cheeks. His body silently shaking with grief.
I wanted to break down. To just hold him and cry. I love this beautiful man more than I ever thought possible. He is my inspiration. He truly is beautiful. He can say more without speaking than anyone I've ever known.
And I leave him every time, hoping that someday I will see him whole. Because I honestly want nothing more and than to hear him speak or to see him walk or run. I can't imagine anything more beautiful.
He deserves it more than anyone. More than you, or me. More than you who are too proud and too lazy to know happiness. Too proud to do something with yourself.
Be grateful for what you have. Do something. Stop sitting there wishing things were different. Stop thinking about yourself and live (i'm talking to myself here).
Kenny is grateful for what he has. He'll never be able to talk, eat, make love, run, dance, or create a blog. haha. sorry. Yet he knows everything of it. I've seen him cry once. He smiles more brightly and more beautifully than anyone I know. If he's grateful, God knows you and I should be too.
I'll see him whole one day. We'll go somewhere beautiful. He'll tell me everything he's ever wanted to tell me. He'll be stronger than me. He'll take me in his arms and we'll dance like no two people have ever danced before!
